One year ago today, I wrote this:
After Matt and I finished our visit, I took Amy back to see him. We looked at him for about 10 seconds when he started turning purple. She and I were both freaking out, trying to get someone's attention. Luckily the dermatologist was still in there and was more assertive in getting someone to attend to him. He was purple for what seemed like a really long time before the alarm went off, and everyone went into action. He had stopped breathing, and it took them several minutes to get him breathing again. Amy ran out and got Matt. And for a few minutes, Matt stood and watched them work on Jonah while I cried in an opposite corner of the room. It was extremely scary, and I still have not settled down from it. I'm somewhere between afraid to leave his side for a second and not wanting to be back in there at all.
This night last year I experienced this:
I took a sleeping pill last night (a generic form of Ambien) and had MAJOR hallucinations. I can’t begin to explain how horrible it was, but by the time it was over, Matt was lying on one side of me, his mom on the other, with Matt holding my eyes closed trying to get me to go to sleep. I knew they were both there, but I could either not see them or they looked very scary. All kinds of creatures and figures floated around me (their skin peeling off), all pulling me back trying to take me away. I knew there were two realities – the reality of Matt in the room trying to calm me, and the reality of the hallucinations. One was no more real than the other. I kept saying to Matt, “Where are you? They are trying to take me.” It was the scariest non-reality reality I’ve ever experienced, and unfortunately I remember every detail. I felt Satan’s presence very real there. Although the hallucination was drug-induced, Satan definitely took advantage of my weakness. Between the stress and worry over Jonah, lack of sleep, having to face going home without a baby in my arms again, and the sleep drug, it was a bad night.
Last year, this time, I had seen my baby stop breathing and had thought he was going to die right in front of my eyes (at 37 weeks and one day, just like Gabe). And I had gone home, now for the second time, having given birth but with no baby to take home with me. I had dreamed of demons and zombies coming after me with their skin falling off. This day and night last year was pretty hopeless for me.
What a difference a year makes.
Tonight I go to bed with hope for a cure and hope for Jonah's future. I smile and laugh more than I cry, and I just got to celebrate with my Jonah at the coolest kick-butt party EVAH (about a gazillion birthday party posts to come...).
I'm exhausted, but I'm hoping for sweet dreams.
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On a side note, between the $7,553.01 from the auction and the donations we got at Jonah's birthday party, DebRA will be receiving $9,222.01. And that's not counting Meg's Avon Event sales or anything that was donated directly to DebRA.
What a difference a year makes.
