I'm very tired tonight. Matt watched Jonah yesterday afternoon, and I got to sleep for two hours, and it was glorious. But then I couldn't go to sleep until 12:30 or after (I stopped looking at the clock because I was doing the "If I fall asleep right now, I'll get ____ hours of sleep." It was torturous.) Anyway, I've felt the repercussions of the Sunday Afternoon Nap today, but guess what? It was still worth it. I get the best sleep when I'm napping.
I started a 14 week course called GriefShare at church tonight. It's offered at a couple different churches in our area, but thankfully Pinedale is one of them. A friend and I are doing it together. Matt's keeping Jonah so I can go. I was telling him about it when I got home, and I think it's going to be really good for me. From the time I found out I was pregnant with Jonah, I feel like it's been all about him - worrying about the pregnancy, praying for him, and then after he was born - taking care of him, bandaging him, loving him. And don't get me wrong, I think that's the way it should have been, but when Matt is watching Jonah and I am at GriefShare, I feel like I get to stop, relax, and be sad; sad about everything, but mostly I get to be sad about Gabe. I get to cry and be angry and mourn him. And that is really, really good.
It's also extremely hard and very much a "ripping off the band aid" kind of thing. When we were going around telling our stories, I just told about what happened with Gabe and then about Jonah. I feel like I'm grieving many things - losing Gabe, the loss of "normal," the reality that I'll probably never be pregnant again, having a child that has to suffer. Anyway, I think I'm where I need to be. I think it will be hard, but completely worth it.
On a God Knows What He's Doing note, a lady in our group (of about 12 maybe) came up to me afterwards and said, "You have a blog don't you?" I told her yes, and she said she didn't realize who I was until after I told our story but that she's been reading the blog for a while. We hugged especially tight. It was so neat. Those folks are feeling like family already, and I've literally known them for about two hours.
It's all good. Sad, but good. And a lot tiring. You know how when you cry it just takes you to a new level of tired? Well, I'm there. And it's my night with Jonah, so I'm off to bed. Goodnight.
